That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?