I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out