Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
WWE is French for “yes”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card