911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two