Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.