[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers