I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
rise and shine we got egg
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure