I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.