*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.