I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Never forget.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
the world’s most popular steaming services
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”