If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.