Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic鈥檚 pool still has water in it.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i鈥檓 a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else鈥檚 faces
ubereats: it will cost 拢3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
ME: we need to focus. we鈥檙e so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 馃悤
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.