Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers