“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
You Might Also Like
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My dad teaching me to drive
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
The three genders
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.