Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
And bowling should be called pinball
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.