it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.