This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Holy moly
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it