My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?