When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You Might Also Like
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?