In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
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Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no