Always…
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes