I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People