when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I found your tweet-up…
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes