me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I wanna be friends with this person
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie