Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.