You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Can’t. About to go please some beans
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
this is literally a CIA plant
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.