Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.