It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Do not steal food from the science building!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.