My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Happy Febuary everyone!
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My circle of trust is a meatball
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad