“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
You can’t outrun your problems…
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
seems fine
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”