[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview