Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
#MeanwhileInCanada
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
the red hot silly peppers
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My kitchen overserved me.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper