Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
You Might Also Like
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Fight
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.