“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
You Might Also Like
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched