Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship