Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.