[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.