ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth