Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Canadian owl: Eh?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit