The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch