If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
whenever i wake up before my alarm
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*