*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
God has abandoned us.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.