Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!