ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.