My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
You Might Also Like
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.