gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
You Might Also Like
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Everyone’s family
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Worth a try
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?