ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
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I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
got so much cardio in today
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]