The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
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me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.