age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”