I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
You Might Also Like
Peace was never an option
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..